What I Didn’t Expect When Expecting Boys

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When I was pregnant, I had the cutest little shirt that said “Bundle of Boy.” I proudly wore it during portions of three pregnancies.

I don’t quite remember what I expected out of my sweet little boys, but I can, in retrospect, say that there were things I did not necessarily expect out of those sweet little bundles! I decided to jot down just a few things that my boys have taught me. This list is by no means comprehensive, nor am I saying these things apply to all boys or only to boys.

Just a little of what I didn’t expect when I was expecting boys…

Mud puddles have invisible targets on them. It is most exciting to “hit the bulls eye” when wearing church clothes.

All rocks belong in any nearby body of water, puddles not excluded.

Fences are not to keep people and pets out or in. They are for hurdling.

Knock knock jokes are way funny. Made up ones are even better.

The words toot, bottom, and poo (or any variations of these words) are funny. Always. Especially in knock knock jokes.

Teaching boys to go potty requires the teaching of two positions: standing and sitting. Technique and aim are important.

The toilet (and surrounding area) need to be cleaned every day or two. Cleaning the floor around the toilet is essential.

Even with good technique and aim, and with good cleaning practice, an air freshener in the bathroom is a good idea.

Going potty outside is desirable. A bush is the perfect go-to potty spot.

Sometimes, even when indoors, it is necessary to go out of the way to run outdoors to utilize said potty bush.

Moss does not grow under bushes frequently watered with potty.

Sometimes it is best not to say, “Let’s not do that. We do not have time for a trip to the ER.” Self-fulfilling prophecy is a beast.

Wrestling is always fun. And once someone is established as a wrestling buddy, that person is always viewed as fair game for wrestling.

Dirt and mud are fun. They taste good, too.

Belching is an art. And it makes a good punch line for knock knock jokes.

Conflict? Just whack your brother on the head with a slinky. He will slug you back. Problem solved.

Grandparents should be asked not to purchase toy light sabers for Christmas. See above.

Moms of boys should be encouraged not to scream at the sight of bugs so as to help their boys be manlier.  When a bug is brought into the house, this rule does not apply.

Spitting is considered cool. Emphasize spitting is only allowed when teeth are being brushed.

Little men need food, water, shelter, clothing, and Legos – in that order.

Legos and hot wheels are sometimes strategically placed so as to make parents do a funny dance when stepped on.

Matching means wearing a dark green shirt with light green shorts. It is also perfectly acceptable to wear a pair of shoes that is a different shade of green altogether.

Deep thoughts often come out at the dinner table: “If everyone had a bottom where their head is, then you would have to go to the bathroom by putting your head in the toilet. Then you would have to flush with your foot, and you would flush yourself down.”

It is a good idea to have a couch boys are allowed to jump on and one they are not allowed to jump on. Freedom and limits are both necessary.

But the best lessons I’ve learned?

Little boys cry sometimes.
Boys need hugs and kisses, too.
Boys love their mommas.
And no words can describe the deep, deep love that mommas have for their boys.

What an unexpected world. What a bundle of boy.

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